courtey of dianessweettreats.com
It’s Saturday night, and we’re celebrating our buddy TJ’s first birthday.
He has Erinn’s gorgeous blue eyes and Tyler’s quick smile. He also has joined the ranks of the walking, and for a little guy who took his first steps just weeks ago, he’s a speedy one.
I watch Erinn from across the room. She’s holding TJ and laughing with another guest. “What a fast year,” I say to Tyler.
“It really has gone fast,” he says. His eyes are on his son. “But now I can’t remember how things were without him. We’re really lucky.”
For the rest the evening, that’s what I notice: a funny, fast, adorable baby, and his parents’ quiet, doting gratitude. I’ve known Erinn and Tyler for years and years and so many years, and I’ve never seen them so happy.
There’s something about a first birthday party. Amid the grown-up cooing over toothy smiles and tiny pink cheeks, there’s an almost palpable sense of possibility—the wonderment at all the things this child could one day be.
~*~
Music always sounds best at night, on the road. Have you noticed?
On the way home from the party, GB flips through his saved songs and lands on John Lennon’s Isolation. The boys are asleep in the backseat, so we listen in silence.
“Wow. The talent on that guy,” I say.
GB shakes his head. “Can you imagine what else he could have accomplished if he were still alive?”
I spend the rest of the ride home feeling pensive.
The next day, I have an hour of exercise all to myself. The ground is slaked in an early-November frost, but the sun is shining and the golden piles of leaves at my feet are crisp and dry. My tunes are on shuffle, and as I round a corner, I hear the opening bars of this long-time personal favorite:
Robert Plant wrote the song after his girlfriend gave him an ultimatum: “Pick me or your music.” He chose his band, and wrote a song 10 years later about the heartbreak of wondering.
~*~
Since then, I’ve been thinking about chances: the ones we’re given, and the ones we wrest for ourselves. About John Lennon and his words snuffed out too early. Robert Plant looking back from atop his musical empire. My friends in their newborn parenthood. Other friends working toward or against their aspirations. And everyone else, really, who ever wanted something and believed in it.
They all are/were faced with two competing sentiments: Doubt and Hope. Hope and doubt. It’s hard to know which one to listen to. But in the end, if the hope is stronger, I tend to believe it will lead you to the right place—to the people and opportunities meant for you.
Hope is a motivating force. Call it faith if you think it fits. It makes you wonder how to separate what you are meant to do and what you simply want for yourself. Is there really a difference, if you believe in it strongly enough?
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Maura, I wanted to cry reading this beautiful post. So true for me, right now, where I am. I choose to hold on to hope (and, for me, faith) but doubt has this sneaky way of creeping up on me. Thank you for reminding me of the power of not letting go of hope. I needed to hear that today.
Sunshine xx
I actually thought of you while I was writing those last few paragraphs, Sunshine. I honestly hope you never give up on yourself or your art. I’m glad you chose the word “faith” over “hope.” That’s the word I would choose, too.
This was lovely, Maura, and so well-written. I’m glad it was the first thing I read this morning — it gives perspective for how I should look at the day…with hope.
I’ve wrestled with these same questions — still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up…or deciding if I’m already there. So many hopes and wants for my children, too. So many decisions I could doubt or second-guess.
But, today, I choose hope.
Amanda, I thought of you too while writing this–along with your fellow NaNoWriMo peeps. Give your novel hell today! One week down…three to go!
Interesting question, Maura…I think most of instinctively know what we want to do, but, for whatever reason, aren’t always able to do it when we want to…
I guess I’m a bit Pollyannaish, but I believe in magic…the right thing usually comes along when I need it the most (which doesn’t mean I don’t go through hell sometimes before it happens!).
Wendy
I’m with you, Wendy. I think we’re given exactly what we need–maybe not right away, but soon enough.
Never apologize for being Pollyanna-ish. I think we both roll that way.
Happy Monday!
Lovely post, Maura, and an interesting question about what we’re meant to do and what we want to do. They can be, but I don’t think they’re necessarily the same thing. Michael Jordan, after all, wasn’t meant to play baseball.
Thanks, Todd Pack! I don’t think Michael was meant to promote Haines underwear, either, because that was just strange.
He wasn’t made to star in Bugs Bunny cartoons, either.
Oh, wow. Two points for the Space Jam reference! Well done.
Girl you blow my mind.
LOL. Girl, you blow my mind right back!
What a lovely post, Ms. Maura.
It’s amazing, too, to look back at pockets of time in your life and think about how different things would be if you’d just veered SLIGHTLY to the left. I think you’re right: We all end up where we’re meant to, if we sit back and just trust.
Thanks, Shannon! Mind over matter!
What a beautiful and powerful essay.
As a parent, I frequently find myself caught in the “What if?” cycle. “What if I’d had my children younger? Would Billy still be autistic?” What if I’d done THIS therapy at this age instead of THIS one. And on and on.
But what you said about hope being more powerful is so very true. As long as you can feel that powerful sense of hope — and I certainly don’t always feel it, but usually — then the “what ifs” don’t really matter. They’re still there, but they’re irrelevant.
I’ll always wonder, though, what might have happened if John Lennon had lived
“Imagine” is a much better sentiment for hopers than “what if.”
You know, Amanda, when I read your post yesterday, I was truly inspired. You use your hope as a motivating factor, and it always pays off! But I think it would be hard to lose faith in a smart and spunky little guy like Billy. You two are an incredible pair. May you continue to surprise and inspire each other.
lovely post. I missed reading your posts while I was on break. You always make me think and throw in fun posts every now and again! love it. hope. faith. it’s all the same
and every human knows that feeling.
Ha! I’ve been plotting out my posts for the rest of the week. Tomorrow’s on the serious side. Maybe a little too personal, so I’m not sure if I should post it. The fun ones are slated for Thurs and Friday. And I can’t WAIT for Monday’s post.
So glad you’re back, Momma Drama! I really missed you, and I’m glad to hear you’re back from the Blogger dark side!
Oh Maura! I could have read this post before Diwali and it would have been a beautiful post, but today, post-Diwali, the place I’m in and the way I’m feeling…alone, restless and uncertain about everything…this post brings me Hope and shows me that though faith may be tested, it will survive if we only let it. I’m trying hard to let it. It’s a choice right? I hope or should I say I have faith that I’ll make the right one.
Thanks for this post Maura and thanks for Isolation. It so reflects how I’m feeling right now.
Luv, H.
Oh. Hugs, Harsha. I read your post this morning, and wished I could bring you tea and sit with you a while.
Hang in there, sweetie. Just e-mail if you want to chat.
I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, and the direction that happening sends us will be the right direction. Usually, looking forward, I have faith. But still sometimes, looking backward, I have doubts. The old “if I’d been a better mother, I would have (or have not) . . . “
Excellent post!
I also grabbed the iPod and immediately listened to the Led Zep song!