#5 (Part II): More Pittsburgh, Plus a Quick Rant about Santonio Holmes

I’m standing in line at a children’s sports apparel shop at Station Square in “dauntaun“ Pittsburgh. I was lured by the display of super-cute Santonio Holmes football jerseys, on sale for $12 each. For a Buckeye/Steelers fan, that’s like striking gold. I scan the store gleefully in case there are similar purchases to be made.

The woman in front of me buys a pink Roethlisberger jersey for her daughter. When she’s safely out of earshot, I turn to my brother and say, “Honestly! Why would anyone buy that guy’s jersey for a little girl? That’s like giving a big thumbs up to violence against women.”

“Who did?” he asks.

“That woman! She had a Yinzer accent, you’d think she’d know better than that.”

I pay for the jerseys and we leave the store. The boys want to wear their new threads right away, so I pull off their old shirts and slip on the black and gold.

“Cute!” I say. “Hooray. I can’t believe how cheap they were.”

“Well, Santonio isn’t a Steeler anymore. He was traded.”

“Really? Why?”

“He threw a glass at some girl. And he’s got substance abuse issues.”

I look at the sales tags I’ve just plucked from the boys’ shirts. No returning them now.

So there you have it. I’ve just supported a wide receiver with anger issues and an alleged drug habit. As unfunny as that is, I guess you have to give two points to Irony, with another point to Blind Ignorance for the assist.

~*~

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve lolled around this city. My mother was born here. When my brother and I were little, Thanksgiving and St. Patrick’s Day meant a trip through The Liberty Tunnels, then into the big, shining metropolis that housed some of our favorite haunts: The Carnegie Museum of Natural History, the Monongahela Incline, the National Aviary, Buhl Planetarium, and if we were really lucky, The Good Ship Lollipop. We grew up loving this town. We’re fluent in Pittsburghese. Maybe we’re part-Yinzer at heart.

I had all of these things in mind for my boys. When we first started to plan our Memorial Weekend trip, we promised to  hit as many as we could in 24 hours.

In reality, it hasn’t quite worked out that way.

The Good Ship Lollipop is scheduled to set sail at 2:45 PM. But as we drive through Station Square, we see this:

A tank shaped like a boat! Only with no giant gun! And with wheels instead of tracks! The U.S. Marine Corps used vehicles like this to cross the Pacific and deliver our troops to the jungles of Guadalcanal. These days, a Ducky Boat will take you for a spin through “dauntaun,” then launch you directly into the Ohio River. We know a good thing when we see one, so we buy tickets for the 6:00 PM tour.

But first, we need to kill some time. This involves lunch at Houlihan’s—another childhood favorite—wherein SC teaches H to spout The Hangover quotes whenever SC wants to impress a pretty girl. They try one out on the waitress. I can’t tell if she gets it.

(By the way. Tigers love pepper. They hate cinnamon.)

And then, of course, we take a ride on the Station Square mini train.

Followed by a visit to the aforementioned children’s sports apparel shop.

And then, finally, the Ducky Boats.

If you’re ever in Pittsburgh, you really need to take the Ducky Boat tour. I’ve learned more about Pittsburgh in one Ducky Boat hour than I’ve learned in a lifetime of visits. For instance:

• Pittsburgh has 446 bridges, and that’s more than anywhere else in the world. Take that, Venice.
• The Robotics Institute at Carnegie Mellon ranks #2 worldwide. In 2008, the city hosted a robotics World Cup—The Robocup (I’m not kidding)—where teams of robots played soccer against one another—complete with perfect bicycle kicks and everything. That’s nothing short of awesome. And outrageously dorky. And awesome.
• It’s no secret that even just 60 years ago, Pittsburgh was a polluted mess. City residents used to change their clothes at midday to wash off the residual from the steel mills. Today, Pittsburgh is recognized for its successful rejuvenation. It hosted the G-20 Summit last September, and is known worldwide for its efforts to create a greener city.
• The dungeon scenes in The Silence of the Lambs were filmed in the Allegheny Courthouse. With fava beans. And a nice Chianti.
• Pittsburgh ranks first in the country for the number of watercraft used for pleasure. I don’t know if the craft we’re on now counts. I think it should.
• You probably already know that our generation’s beloved Fred Rogers lived and filmed every episode of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood in Pittsburgh. And now there’s a triple-life-sized statue on the Ohio River to memorialize his contributions to children’s programming.

I didn’t know any of these things until now. I also didn’t know H can drive a Ducky Boat.

H at the helm

While H is at the helm, O is starboard, doing this:

O in Snoozetown

~*~

After the tour, we drive to a new outdoor shopping center—Pittsburgh’s South Side Works. If you’re familiar with Easton Town Center in Columbus, it’s essentially the same place.

As we’re finishing our dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, a server stops by to say hello. “I love your jerseys!” she says to the boys. She’s pretty and smiley, and I’m not at all surprised when she says, “Santonio Holmes is a very close friend of mine. All my friends kept telling me I needed to stop by Table 16 to see the adorable boys wearing Santonio’s number.”

Ah. See? She makes me feel better. She’s proof he doesn’t throw glasses at everyone.

Advertisement